Greetings, MMA Fans!
It's that time once again for Chad Mylan's MMA Rumor Mill. First and foremost, we here at the Rumor Mill want to congratulate Rory Fox on his unbelievable, hard fought victory over Jeremy Wyatt and for capturing the 3XW Heavyweight Championship for the first time. Many members of the 3XW locker room were seen after the match trying to steal the spotlight and ride on the coattails of such an unexpected victory. I for one found this moment of glory basking to be sickening and repulsive. Despite hearing many of my protests, the 3XW Board of Directors have found no reason to declare the match a No Contest because of the excessive "celebration" afterwards. In fact, they claimed my arguments were "baseless, rather crude, and excessive in adult language." Their words, not mine.
Irregardless, this Friday at the Des Moines Social Club, I wholeheartedly expect the tide to turn when the pride of a nation, 'The Laotion Sensation' Ricky Kwong takes on the cowardly Rory Fox for the 3XW Heavyweight Championship. Believe me, I'm not alone in thinking this. The MMA Street Team recently randomly polled 4 semi-inebriated fans at the last 3XW aftershow at Z's Bar and Grill, and not suprising, the unanimous decision was overwhelmingly in favor of Kwong tapping out Fox in under 10 minutes. Clearly, the fans have spoken.
Of course, the city of Des Moines is abuzz right now in anticipation for the 2nd annual King of Des Moines tournament. From the looks of things, it appears that even the first round matches could qualify as a main event. I've taken a solid look at the brackets, and calculated a lot of important things such as how nice they've been to me lately and monetary contributions to the Mylan Management Agency. So for those of you with your bookies on the other line, the MMA Rumor Mill will now boldly predict the winner of the King of Des Moines Tournament.
So after much deliberation, the Rumor Mill selects the winner of the tournament to be none other than Brian Ash. Given his experience and history of total domination, you'd be a fool not to pick Ash as the overwhelming favorite. Barring unforseen circumstances, the MMA Rumor Mill also selects Devin Carter, Jeremy Wyatt, Mark Sterling, Maddog McDowell, Nate Bash, Zach Thompson, and Ben Sailer as potential winners. And you can take that to the bank. It's a license to print money, folks.
Of course, another huge match is the 6 Man Scramble for the 3XW Unified Pure Wrestling Championship. Again, despite my brilliant idea to declare the title the "UniCurePureWeight" championship, those silly Board of Director members shot down my idea. Those guys really get on my nerves.
'The CrockStar' Jimmy Crockwell, as I like to call him, is seemingly on a tear lately. No, I'm not talking about the seat of his pants, but more importantly his recent victories. Last month, we saw him seemingly retire Kraig Keesaman, who held the longest winning streak in the history of 3XW. Despite my recent attempts to contact Kessaman to perhaps convince him to reconsider and join the Mylan Management Agency have been futile. Unfortunetly, I am unable to read the phone books here in Laos, and I am currently unaware of a number listing for "The Land of Ice and Snow." The operator has been little help, since she can't speak English, and Ricky Kwong's attempts have been limited thanks to the restrictions of long distance calling. But believe me, we're working on that.
Back to the 6 Man Scramble, many of 3XW's fastest rising stars, and Aaron Masterson, will certainly be looking to make a name for themselves against Crockwell. I fully expect this match to be jam packed with the kind of fast paced, chaotic action that makes broadcasting the most ridiculously difficult thing to do outside of complementing Skylar Pierce. Expect total anarchy.
To finish my article, I'm going to answer the question that I know have been on many people's minds. Once we win the 3XW Heavyweight Championship, what are we going to do next? The answer is certainly doesn't involve going to Disney Land, because that kind of cartoonish Americana disgusts Kwong and myself. The answer is pretty simple. We're going to throw the biggest after party celebration at Z's Bar and Grill that has ever been seen. Women will flock to us left and right, and if the girls are deemed worthy enough for Kwong and I, we shall personally fly them back to the Grand Palace in Laos with us to continue the biggest celebration the WORLD has ever seen. Celebrities, sports icons, and a private concert from Yo Yo Ma and his ochestra. Then, when the celebration settles down, we plan on taking your 3XW Heavyweight Championship to the local blacksmith to have the belt melted down into the finest necklace money can buy. I'm talking a necklace that even Mr. T would be jealous of.
So make sure you have your tickets in hand, Americans, and wave goodbye to your beloved Heavyweight Championship title, because by this time next month you'll be looking at the greatest wrestler that has ever existed. And the finest necklace money can buy. That is, IF we deem you all are worthy of our appearance.
I'll see you all crying in your beers Friday Night,
~ Chad Mylan
